|Things They Don’t Teach in Parliamentarian’s School
What to do when an earthquake hits just before your first solo pro forma session.
Whether a port-a-john is permitted on the floor of the Senate. If not, how about an empty tennis ball can?
What to do when the presiding officer of the Senate has turned his back to the proceedings ignoring the parliamentarian as all hell is breaking loose, so he could make a date with a well-known actress (telephone on the dais removed soon thereafter).
How to respond when a first senator has demanded that a second senator be taken off his feet (Rule XIX, our favorite “shut up and sit down” rule), and when the two senators approach you at the desk, one says to the other, “How would you like a fist through your face?”
What to do when the president pro tempore makes salacious remarks to one of your assistants into an open C-Span microphone.
Whether it matters that the presentation for presidential signature of the joint resolution authorizing the use of American Armed Forces is delayed (1) so that a measure can carry a luckier number, or (2) to permit the vice president of the United States to attend a Johnny Depp movie, or (3) to have some staffer (who shall go unnamed) watch an NFL playoff game.
How to counsel the vice president of the United States on his role in conducting the joint session of Congress to count the electoral ballots declaring that he had lost his election to be President of the United States.
What to do after a terrorist attack on Washington when the Senate leadership wants to convene without authority to do so.
Telling the state of New York that if they wanted their electoral votes to count, they would have to correct the spelling of the name of the candidate they thought they had certified as having won in their state.
What to do when your wife receives a phone call at home from a reporter telling her that he has it on good authority that you have been receiving death threats but just wants to confirm this with her.
What to do when the president pro tempore signs an enrolled bill in such a flamboyant manner that there is no room for the signature of the president of the United States, and the White House is not amused.
That the signature tax cuts of a president would have to sunset because, in essence, you said so.